Tag Archives: sober

Day 5

Day 5 is complete and almost in the history books!!

I was on my EDO (earned day off) today and had a busy day.  First I went to the doctor’s office to go back on my anti depressants.  I went off them by myself in late August/early September due to just not getting around to doctor’s to get my prescription re-filled.  But let’s be honest with ourselves, a large reason I went off them was because I was drinking too much and just couldn’t be bothered to do it.  I was too hung over during the day to get around to book an appointment then I would go home and drink again.  I’ve let so many things go.  So, my doctor started me back on my pills and I told her that I have been alcohol free for 5 days and she asked questions about.  If I was blacking out -yes (hi couch as my bed) and if my emotions were more up and down – yes (hello self medicating and alcohol withdrawal).  I’m back in a month to see how things are going and making sure I’m on track.

Rest of the day was spent riding my 2 horses (Lux and Milo) which was lots of fun.  I forget how much I enjoy riding when I’m not trying to do it hungover.  Which makes it so much harder and me less wanting to work at it.  When I ride hungover I usually just trot, canter and basically get the hacking over with so I can go home and crash in front of the TV or go to the pub and start drinking again.  Also, by not being hungover I was actually able to see what needs to be worked on.  Lux is a bit lazy for hacking, he is also only sort of broke.   And I have lots of ideas of what needs to be worked on.  Milo was really good, he got better and softer as we went.  I hacked him first but next time will do Lux as I’m not that fit yet and get more tired for the 2nd one.  Plus Lux needs me to kick him up a little bit whereas Milo will get going a bit easier being older with more experience.

Coming home tonight, I was trying to decide what to eat.  Actually I was trying to get tickets to the Hobbit but there were no tickets left or no decent tickets anyways.  None that don’t include me sitting first or second row and I hate those seats.  I used to really love going to movies and would go see certain movies a couple times but I haven’t for the last 6 months or so.  I just haven’t felt the urge or it has seemed like too much work or that I would rather go to the pub.  Tonight though I wanted to go to the movie and have popcorn.  That was what I wanted to do, not go to the pub.  When I didn’t get tickets, i came home and parked my truck in the garage which makes it harder to go out.  This may seem slightly insane but my garage is not attached to my house and my garage door opener broken but the machine itself is so old I can’t actually get a new one to make it work. So, when I park my car there to go back out again I have to walk outside of my house, open the garage, back my car out and then get out again to shut the garage door.  This is to me too much work once I’m back in home.  So, I parked there to ensure I don’t go out again.

It is wing night at the pub and while I really didn’t feel like cooking, I briefly thought about going there but I’m really proud of my 5 day streak and what does Belle say, when you get some sober days rolling don’t interrupt it.  That is how I feel right now, I’ve got some momentum and I don’t want to interrupt it. I want it to keep building and getting stronger.  Hands down my best decision for that was pouring out all the wine and beer in my house as I don’t have to test my strength or resolve.  I just drink lots of ginger ale and water. Lots and lots of ginger ale and water.  I may need to take out shares in the Coke Cola company.

I’m going to be going home for Christmas and I haven’t actually figured out what I’m going to say to my parents.  My dad likes his red wine and my mom doesn’t drink but Dad and I usually do indulge in a fair amount of wine.  Do I think I can have a glass and stop and if not (the more realistic option) what am I going to tell my parents. This I’m not sure how to handle as my mom will worry and want to talk or be passive aggressively supportive. Which will definitely drive me to drink.  Alot.  My dad, well I don’t know what my dad will do. He can either be supportive or completely an ass by making smart ass comments.  That, also, will make me drink copious amounts of wine.  Why am I going home again??  That is still a week away, I have time to figure it out.  Or come up with something resembling a half ass plan.

Now, off to watch Master Cheif Junior, The 100 and clear some more room off my PVR.

Day 4

A day 4.  I’m on a Day 4!!!  *happy dance**

I got work done today and felt fully present, not just trying to figure out how much grease I need to eat to make myself feel better.

Walked the dog, made supper and cleaned up my house.  Do you know how much cleaner your house is when you aren’t hungover each day?  Just an observation.

I’m going to go eat my ice cream before going to bed.  Hopefully my sleep starts to get better now because that I am not happy with as I’m having troubles sleeping.  Or falling asleep to be exact. Which is frustrating.  I’m working on taking less things in to my bedroom – no computer, no phone, just me, a book and some radio.  I like listening to podcasts, if it is too silent my brain goes and goes.  Does anyone else have that problem?

Any suggestions for helping me sleep?

Day 3 an honest to God Day 3

A day 3.  I’m on day 3.  Who can believe it??  I’m not sure I do but I’m trying!!

I had a crappy sleep last night but got up and went riding this morning and work this afternoon.  I worked late and was finished by 7pm but sat there for another hour debating whether I was going to stop at the Pub for a dinner and a drink (or 3) because it was too late to cook myself dinner. BUT I made myself drive home (hello willpower) all the while arguing with Wolfie that I could still cook for myself and it wasn’t too late.  Plus I have a ton of food in my fridge (if I think of how much food I have thrown away due to going bad as I drank too much to cook is depressing and another post) to cook.   Healthy good food which saves me money if I don’t eat out every night.

So, I made myself steak and salad for supper.  Just to prove it wasn’t too late.  I came home, cooked the meal (plus a steak for lunch for tomorrow) and ate it.  Okay, I fed a large portion of the steak to the dogs because I wasn’t that hungry but I did prove to myself that I am perfectly capable of coming home regardless of the time and make myself supper.  That I don’t somehow lose the ability to cook just because it is after 8pm.  That is a good.  Really good.  And I’m very proud of myself for doing it.

I have also done something now that I have never done before.  I threw out all the liquor in my house.  I’ve never done that before. Usually I keep some hidden, just in case someone comes over (this rarely happens now for reasons which are probably another post. So many future posts, so much time) or, in reality, I just wanted to make sure I had something to drink in the future when I was watching TV or reading or sitting on the couch.  So to me, that makes it feel even more real. Way more real.

So, here’s to Day 3.  And going to bed early tonight, getting up early tomorrow to walk the dogs before going to work.  I just have a good feeling I don’t usually have.

Waking Up Sober

Benefits of waking up sober

1. I slept so well!! I was in bed at 10pm and slept like the dead (except for when the dog got me up to go to the bathroom)

2. I have energy\

3. My head is not pounding while I’m dying of thirst

4.  I want to eat a healthy breakfast.

5. I have energy for the day ahead

6. I don’t feel bloated, which is great.

I’m going to print this off and put on my fridge and carry in my wallet so I always remember when tempted

Hump Day

Well, today is day 3 of sober living and this is usually my downfall day.  I find it hard to get past a Day 3 then start over the next day.  Though last month I got 5 days in a row which made me happy, then wolfie came to my head and I gave in to him.

So, today I have a plan.  Part of why I drink is to socialize, I admit I am not always the most social of people at work but for the last little while that has been because I’ve been working with a hangover and the last thing I want is to socialize but one can not only talk to the dogs so I would go to the pub to get my fill of human interaction.  Apparently my statements of I don’t really like humans doesn’t mean I don’t need to be around them.  No woman is an island is completely true I have decided.

And I’m beginning to learn that it is all about planning.  So my plan for today is working from home (I have some caselaw to read for an argument I need to make tomorrow) and then go ride around 4pm which means I will still get to socialize but not at the pub.

I woke up feeling excellent this morning.  I slept well (despite dreaming of Sons of Anarchy) and feel ready to conquer the world.  Of I go.

Trying again

Good intentions apparently paved the way to hell or at least failure.

I’m back to Day 1, last week I made it 2 days without drinking (a Tuesday and Wednesday) then promptly dove back into a couple of pints and wine bottle.  On Thursday, Friday and definitely Saturday.  I largely spent the weekend getting over the hangovers which are getting much worse.  And my ability to function with them is pretty much non-existent which results in spending a LOT of time on the couch being unable to function.  Definitely not the way to live or not a way I want to live.

I doubt that I’ve actually tried that hard and I need to figure out why that is.  When I go to work hungover (which is very much NOT productive) I don’t get much done and get sucked into a hole of playing on my computer or working on the easiest thing I can find. I shut my door and don’t really converse with anyone, (as is a sign you are working hard and shouldn’t be disturbed right?? Not that I’m too hungover to socialize) so by the time I leave work I’m feeling pretty isolated and decide that what I should do is go to the pub and visit people so I can socialize.  Is a nasty circle, who enjoys that??  Well, not me despite all evidence to the contrary.

The one thing I’ve really noticed is I have become very isolated and this seems to be a normal thing with the more you drink.  I actually am a social person with people not just alcohol.  Though alcohol seems to have become my main friend and not a very good one.  So, it is the wolf in my head or maybe just my enemey disguisted as my friend, slowly destroying my life while convincing me it is my idea.  I don’t know.

What I know is I can’t keep this up.  I’m in my parent’s city right now and go home tomorrow.  I’ve told my dad I’m not drinking as going to do 30 days dry.  Do I need to do more then yes?  Yes but for now I need to take a small step and this is it.  The prospect of never drinking again seems huge and just overwhelming so let’s start with today.  For the rest of the day I will take charge and not have alcohol.

Am I the only one who says that and suddenly has a craving for a beer??