A day 4. I’m on a Day 4!!! *happy dance**
I got work done today and felt fully present, not just trying to figure out how much grease I need to eat to make myself feel better.
Walked the dog, made supper and cleaned up my house. Do you know how much cleaner your house is when you aren’t hungover each day? Just an observation.
I’m going to go eat my ice cream before going to bed. Hopefully my sleep starts to get better now because that I am not happy with as I’m having troubles sleeping. Or falling asleep to be exact. Which is frustrating. I’m working on taking less things in to my bedroom – no computer, no phone, just me, a book and some radio. I like listening to podcasts, if it is too silent my brain goes and goes. Does anyone else have that problem?
Any suggestions for helping me sleep?
A day 3. I’m on day 3. Who can believe it?? I’m not sure I do but I’m trying!!
I had a crappy sleep last night but got up and went riding this morning and work this afternoon. I worked late and was finished by 7pm but sat there for another hour debating whether I was going to stop at the Pub for a dinner and a drink (or 3) because it was too late to cook myself dinner. BUT I made myself drive home (hello willpower) all the while arguing with Wolfie that I could still cook for myself and it wasn’t too late. Plus I have a ton of food in my fridge (if I think of how much food I have thrown away due to going bad as I drank too much to cook is depressing and another post) to cook. Healthy good food which saves me money if I don’t eat out every night.
So, I made myself steak and salad for supper. Just to prove it wasn’t too late. I came home, cooked the meal (plus a steak for lunch for tomorrow) and ate it. Okay, I fed a large portion of the steak to the dogs because I wasn’t that hungry but I did prove to myself that I am perfectly capable of coming home regardless of the time and make myself supper. That I don’t somehow lose the ability to cook just because it is after 8pm. That is a good. Really good. And I’m very proud of myself for doing it.
I have also done something now that I have never done before. I threw out all the liquor in my house. I’ve never done that before. Usually I keep some hidden, just in case someone comes over (this rarely happens now for reasons which are probably another post. So many future posts, so much time) or, in reality, I just wanted to make sure I had something to drink in the future when I was watching TV or reading or sitting on the couch. So to me, that makes it feel even more real. Way more real.
So, here’s to Day 3. And going to bed early tonight, getting up early tomorrow to walk the dogs before going to work. I just have a good feeling I don’t usually have.
Benefits of waking up sober
1. I slept so well!! I was in bed at 10pm and slept like the dead (except for when the dog got me up to go to the bathroom)
2. I have energy\
3. My head is not pounding while I’m dying of thirst
4. I want to eat a healthy breakfast.
5. I have energy for the day ahead
6. I don’t feel bloated, which is great.
I’m going to print this off and put on my fridge and carry in my wallet so I always remember when tempted
I’m not sure if I feel disappointed in myself or just depressed in general. The last week I tried the drink in moderation approach which didn’t work very well. And the emotions. Wow talk about up and down.
I’m off to ride my horses today at a a barn I hate going too. I hate that I can’t bring my dogs there. I hate that I have to wear a stupid mask the entire time I’m there and I can’t just hang out at the barn. That I really hate. When I go there I just want to leave as soon as possible. That is not how I want to spend my hobby.
So, what I need to do is figure out a way to reward myself and a way to deal with stress. I had bought some ice cream (fancy ben and Jerry’s stuff that I never buy) and it makes me happy. As for dealing with stress, I’m open to suggestions.
The thing is I just bought this very nice and expensive horse but I don’t ride as much as I should because I’m hung over and getting over a hang over so I’m tired or cranky. And when I’m at work it takes me all day to get going because of the drinking the night before.
Also, anyone else notice that alcohol can have a very lonely effect? I’m not always the most of social of people as it is but I’ve become worse. And that is not good.
So, now it is time to accept that the alcohol isn’t helping and go find some help. And the first thing I’m going to do is go look for some AA meetings.
So, Thursday I had legal arguments on something I have been working my ass off on for last couple of weeks. To say I put a ton of work into this thing is an understatement. When we got into court on Thursday, the Judge stated we (him, defence and me) had all missed a very minor BUT very important point which made all the work we had put into this moot. I wanted to cry. Like really cry. Or to figure out how to get hours of my life back.
So, how did I deal with this? Did I go exercise or go eat a pint of ice cream or anything not involving alcohol? Nope, I went to the pub and had a couple beer then home for a bottle of red wine. Well, I didn’t actual drink the entire bottle I crashed on the couch (both from drunkenness and exhaustion) and there was a full glass sitting out when I woke in the morning. I woke half way through the night and got into bed but slept awful because I was having the sweats (I mean who enjoys the part where your body is trying to get rid of the alcohol by sweating it out like crazy)
The next day was painful as I had court all day and very difficult to drag myself out of bed much less be productive. Well, I was productive and got everything done but do you know how much easier that would be if I hadn’t been hungover? I didn’t have anything to drink Friday and slept like the dead. Which made today so much easier, as I had an early riding lesson but I got up early, did the dishes then went out to the barn.
On the upside, there are 4 out of 5 days with Xs on them on my calendar. And will I fell down on one day (cause I clearly need to figure out how to handle stress, maybe time to look it up) I got back up without days in between or continuing to drink which makes me happy.
Well, today is day 3 of sober living and this is usually my downfall day. I find it hard to get past a Day 3 then start over the next day. Though last month I got 5 days in a row which made me happy, then wolfie came to my head and I gave in to him.
So, today I have a plan. Part of why I drink is to socialize, I admit I am not always the most social of people at work but for the last little while that has been because I’ve been working with a hangover and the last thing I want is to socialize but one can not only talk to the dogs so I would go to the pub to get my fill of human interaction. Apparently my statements of I don’t really like humans doesn’t mean I don’t need to be around them. No woman is an island is completely true I have decided.
And I’m beginning to learn that it is all about planning. So my plan for today is working from home (I have some caselaw to read for an argument I need to make tomorrow) and then go ride around 4pm which means I will still get to socialize but not at the pub.
I woke up feeling excellent this morning. I slept well (despite dreaming of Sons of Anarchy) and feel ready to conquer the world. Of I go.
So, after spectacularly falling off the weekend for the first part of November despite the fact that for the first time in ages (let us not think about how long) there was more Xs on my calendar for not drinking then days without Xs. I am allowed to be proud of that right? \
I am back to Day 2 of my sober living (again, you don’t run out of trying though now I’m going to be more like Yoda of “Do there is no try”) but have realized the things I have been doing to relax at night (when I don’t stop at the pub) is watch T.V. and drink copious amounts of wine. My “boyfriend,” as I call my PVR and TV, is a huge contributor to my drinking. A total enabler. An enabler I am emotional attached too and certainly one that does not Driving home from the barn today all I desperately wanted to do with stop at the liqour store to buy a bottle red wine to watch Sons of Anarchy with. Which, if you have at anytime watched SOA, is totallly understandable.
So, to summarize my good boyfriend (the TV) is totally in cahoots with my bad ex-boyfriend (drinking) in the sense that they are working together and I am having a very hard time separating the 2. I realized this tonight and that is a start. I have spent most of the night listening to the bubble hour podcast and feel alot better. I can see now that I’m going to have make actual basic changes to my life, changes I’m not going to like but are necessary. And ones that I think will be good and make life better but hard to do. And the first is to watch SOA without wine and instead eat ice cream.
I know this is kind of rambling but I hope it makes sense.