Rambling

I’m not sure if I feel disappointed in myself or just depressed in general.  The last week I tried the drink in moderation approach which didn’t work very well.  And the emotions.  Wow talk about up and down.

I’m off to ride my horses today at a a barn I hate going too.  I hate that I can’t bring my dogs there.  I hate that I have to wear a stupid mask the entire time I’m there and I can’t just hang out at the barn.  That I really hate.  When I go there I just want to leave as soon as possible. That is not how I want to spend my hobby.

So, what I need to do is figure out a way to reward myself and a way to deal with stress. I had bought some ice cream (fancy ben and Jerry’s stuff  that I never buy) and it makes me happy.  As for dealing with stress, I’m open to suggestions.

The thing is I just bought this very nice and expensive horse but I don’t ride as much as I should because I’m hung over and getting over a hang over so I’m tired or cranky.  And when I’m at work it takes me all day to get going because of the drinking the night before.

Also, anyone else notice that alcohol can have a very lonely effect?  I’m not always the most of social of people as it is but I’ve become worse.  And that is not good.

So, now it is time to accept that the alcohol isn’t helping and go find some help.  And the first thing I’m going to do is go look for some AA meetings.

Advertisements

Clearly I need a better way to handle stress

So, Thursday I had legal arguments on something I have been working my ass off on for last couple of weeks.  To say I put a ton of work into this thing is an understatement.  When we got into court on Thursday, the Judge stated we (him, defence and me) had all missed a very minor BUT very important point which made all the work we had put into this moot.  I wanted to cry.  Like really cry.  Or to figure out how to get hours of my life back.

So, how did I deal with this?  Did I go exercise or go eat a pint of ice cream or anything not involving alcohol?  Nope, I went to the pub and had a couple beer then home for a bottle of red wine.  Well, I didn’t actual drink the entire bottle I crashed on the couch (both from drunkenness and exhaustion) and there was a full glass sitting out when I woke in the morning.  I woke half way through the night and got into bed but slept awful because I was having the sweats (I mean who enjoys the part where your body is trying to get rid of the alcohol by sweating it out like crazy)

The next day was painful as I had court all day and very difficult to drag myself out of bed much less be productive.  Well, I was productive and got everything done but do you know how much easier that would be if I hadn’t been hungover?  I didn’t have anything to drink Friday and slept like the dead.  Which made today so much easier, as I had an early riding lesson but I got up early, did the dishes then went out to the barn.

On the upside, there are 4 out of 5 days with Xs on them on my calendar.  And will I fell down on one day (cause I clearly need to figure out how to handle stress, maybe time to look it up) I got back up without days in between or continuing to drink which makes me happy.

Day 4

Hello Day 4

It may be -22 with a windchill making it -32 out but I’m pretty happy as I got through all the cravings last night and went to bed sober!  I did eat but I also took the dogs for a big walk which helped.  I tried the whole wait 10 mins and if you still want a drink you can have one.   Okay, I did it a hundred times but still 🙂

Off to work today, I have a big argument this afternoon my usual reward for surviving something like that would be to stop at the pub and have a drink.  Tonight I’m not sure it will be but I will have to think of something. I told my cat I’m open to suggestions but the only thing he could come up with is to be home on time to feed him . . .

Hump Day

Well, today is day 3 of sober living and this is usually my downfall day.  I find it hard to get past a Day 3 then start over the next day.  Though last month I got 5 days in a row which made me happy, then wolfie came to my head and I gave in to him.

So, today I have a plan.  Part of why I drink is to socialize, I admit I am not always the most social of people at work but for the last little while that has been because I’ve been working with a hangover and the last thing I want is to socialize but one can not only talk to the dogs so I would go to the pub to get my fill of human interaction.  Apparently my statements of I don’t really like humans doesn’t mean I don’t need to be around them.  No woman is an island is completely true I have decided.

And I’m beginning to learn that it is all about planning.  So my plan for today is working from home (I have some caselaw to read for an argument I need to make tomorrow) and then go ride around 4pm which means I will still get to socialize but not at the pub.

I woke up feeling excellent this morning.  I slept well (despite dreaming of Sons of Anarchy) and feel ready to conquer the world.  Of I go.

And one more thought

I heard this quote on a Bubble Hour podcast, one about high achievement alcoholics and it has totally stuck with me.

“No one ever wishes they had drank more”

TOTALLY TRUE.  I’ve never thought about it t hat way but I’ve never wished I had more to drink. Less, way way less absolutely.

So that is my new mantra, And it gives me strenght.

My boyfriend is in cahoots with my ex-boyfriend

So, after spectacularly falling off the weekend for the first part of November despite the fact that for the first time in ages (let us not think about how long) there was more Xs on my calendar for not drinking then days without Xs.  I am allowed to be proud of that right? \

I am back to Day 2 of my sober living (again, you don’t run out of trying though now I’m going to be more like Yoda of “Do there is no try”) but have realized the things I have been doing to relax at night (when I don’t stop at the pub) is watch T.V. and drink copious amounts of wine.  My “boyfriend,” as I call my PVR and TV, is a huge contributor to my drinking.  A total enabler.  An enabler I am emotional attached too and certainly one that does not   Driving home from the barn today all I desperately wanted to do with stop at the liqour store to buy a bottle red wine to watch Sons of Anarchy with.  Which, if you have at anytime watched SOA, is totallly understandable.

So, to summarize my good boyfriend (the TV)  is totally in cahoots with my bad ex-boyfriend (drinking) in the sense that they are working together and I am having a very hard time separating the 2.  I realized this tonight and that is a start.  I have spent most of the night listening to the bubble hour podcast and feel alot better.  I can see now that I’m going to have make actual basic changes to my life,  changes I’m not going to like but are necessary.  And ones that I think will be good and make life better but hard to do.  And the first is to watch SOA without wine and instead eat ice cream.

I know this is kind of rambling but I hope it makes sense.

97 Days to go or how to make things easier

For some reason at this point it is easier to think of the days in terms of how many are left then how many I am on.  I’m not sure if this is good or bad, I suspect bad but I’m not a 100% why.

I have discovered the witching hour is about 3:30pm, I start thinking of a drink.  And by thinking I mean imagining how good a beer will taste, that sitting down at the pub at the bar to hang out with people and talk would be lots of fun.  That I can go do that and only have 2 maybe 3 beers.  That I won’t want to go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of red, a bottle of white and a 6 pack.  Just to be sure I have enough to drink, because that is a normal amount of liquor to drink.  Who goes to a store and thinks I  better buy at LEAST 3 different types of booze so I have enough to drink tonight.  With no thought to how that will make me feel tomorrow, which is not good.  The last couple times I’ve been hungover I have been sick, which is not fun.  I mean, why don’t I ever think hey this is going to make it virtually impossible for me to work tomorrow as I’ll be so tired, spend half my time in the bathroom, need to take a LOT of tylenol and pepto bismal plus some gravol.  I’ve actually started carrying those things with me to court.  How is that a good thing?? Normal drinkers don’t have tylenol, pepto bismol and gravol in their black wheelies.

The other thing I’ve noticed is that I’ve become very reclusive with the drinking.  It is easy to not interact with anyone when you are that hungover at work but by the end of the day I want to socialize so  I head to the bar to continue the cycle.  I have told people, certain people, that I was quitting drinking but as I haven’t followed that through very well I stopped talking to them.  I don’t actually talk to the person I consider to be my best friend very much anymore, yes we live in different cities and provinces but I find it harrd to talk to her.  She has a kid and husband, and I’m not sure always understands where I’m coming from.  Which is pretty selfish because she is a great person and always tries to understand.  I need to start reaching out, to people who I have slowly ended friendships with as it was more work then I wanted to do.  Whereas it has never been too much work to drink.  That is not healthy.  I wonder if anyone else had this happened?

Well, now I have to go to work.  I’m on Day 3 but I just keeping telling myself it is a day 1, because they are always the easiest to get through.