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Day 5

Day 5 is complete and almost in the history books!!

I was on my EDO (earned day off) today and had a busy day.  First I went to the doctor’s office to go back on my anti depressants.  I went off them by myself in late August/early September due to just not getting around to doctor’s to get my prescription re-filled.  But let’s be honest with ourselves, a large reason I went off them was because I was drinking too much and just couldn’t be bothered to do it.  I was too hung over during the day to get around to book an appointment then I would go home and drink again.  I’ve let so many things go.  So, my doctor started me back on my pills and I told her that I have been alcohol free for 5 days and she asked questions about.  If I was blacking out -yes (hi couch as my bed) and if my emotions were more up and down – yes (hello self medicating and alcohol withdrawal).  I’m back in a month to see how things are going and making sure I’m on track.

Rest of the day was spent riding my 2 horses (Lux and Milo) which was lots of fun.  I forget how much I enjoy riding when I’m not trying to do it hungover.  Which makes it so much harder and me less wanting to work at it.  When I ride hungover I usually just trot, canter and basically get the hacking over with so I can go home and crash in front of the TV or go to the pub and start drinking again.  Also, by not being hungover I was actually able to see what needs to be worked on.  Lux is a bit lazy for hacking, he is also only sort of broke.   And I have lots of ideas of what needs to be worked on.  Milo was really good, he got better and softer as we went.  I hacked him first but next time will do Lux as I’m not that fit yet and get more tired for the 2nd one.  Plus Lux needs me to kick him up a little bit whereas Milo will get going a bit easier being older with more experience.

Coming home tonight, I was trying to decide what to eat.  Actually I was trying to get tickets to the Hobbit but there were no tickets left or no decent tickets anyways.  None that don’t include me sitting first or second row and I hate those seats.  I used to really love going to movies and would go see certain movies a couple times but I haven’t for the last 6 months or so.  I just haven’t felt the urge or it has seemed like too much work or that I would rather go to the pub.  Tonight though I wanted to go to the movie and have popcorn.  That was what I wanted to do, not go to the pub.  When I didn’t get tickets, i came home and parked my truck in the garage which makes it harder to go out.  This may seem slightly insane but my garage is not attached to my house and my garage door opener broken but the machine itself is so old I can’t actually get a new one to make it work. So, when I park my car there to go back out again I have to walk outside of my house, open the garage, back my car out and then get out again to shut the garage door.  This is to me too much work once I’m back in home.  So, I parked there to ensure I don’t go out again.

It is wing night at the pub and while I really didn’t feel like cooking, I briefly thought about going there but I’m really proud of my 5 day streak and what does Belle say, when you get some sober days rolling don’t interrupt it.  That is how I feel right now, I’ve got some momentum and I don’t want to interrupt it. I want it to keep building and getting stronger.  Hands down my best decision for that was pouring out all the wine and beer in my house as I don’t have to test my strength or resolve.  I just drink lots of ginger ale and water. Lots and lots of ginger ale and water.  I may need to take out shares in the Coke Cola company.

I’m going to be going home for Christmas and I haven’t actually figured out what I’m going to say to my parents.  My dad likes his red wine and my mom doesn’t drink but Dad and I usually do indulge in a fair amount of wine.  Do I think I can have a glass and stop and if not (the more realistic option) what am I going to tell my parents. This I’m not sure how to handle as my mom will worry and want to talk or be passive aggressively supportive. Which will definitely drive me to drink.  Alot.  My dad, well I don’t know what my dad will do. He can either be supportive or completely an ass by making smart ass comments.  That, also, will make me drink copious amounts of wine.  Why am I going home again??  That is still a week away, I have time to figure it out.  Or come up with something resembling a half ass plan.

Now, off to watch Master Cheif Junior, The 100 and clear some more room off my PVR.

Day 4

A day 4.  I’m on a Day 4!!!  *happy dance**

I got work done today and felt fully present, not just trying to figure out how much grease I need to eat to make myself feel better.

Walked the dog, made supper and cleaned up my house.  Do you know how much cleaner your house is when you aren’t hungover each day?  Just an observation.

I’m going to go eat my ice cream before going to bed.  Hopefully my sleep starts to get better now because that I am not happy with as I’m having troubles sleeping.  Or falling asleep to be exact. Which is frustrating.  I’m working on taking less things in to my bedroom – no computer, no phone, just me, a book and some radio.  I like listening to podcasts, if it is too silent my brain goes and goes.  Does anyone else have that problem?

Any suggestions for helping me sleep?

Waking Up Sober

Benefits of waking up sober

1. I slept so well!! I was in bed at 10pm and slept like the dead (except for when the dog got me up to go to the bathroom)

2. I have energy\

3. My head is not pounding while I’m dying of thirst

4.  I want to eat a healthy breakfast.

5. I have energy for the day ahead

6. I don’t feel bloated, which is great.

I’m going to print this off and put on my fridge and carry in my wallet so I always remember when tempted

Rambling

I’m not sure if I feel disappointed in myself or just depressed in general.  The last week I tried the drink in moderation approach which didn’t work very well.  And the emotions.  Wow talk about up and down.

I’m off to ride my horses today at a a barn I hate going too.  I hate that I can’t bring my dogs there.  I hate that I have to wear a stupid mask the entire time I’m there and I can’t just hang out at the barn.  That I really hate.  When I go there I just want to leave as soon as possible. That is not how I want to spend my hobby.

So, what I need to do is figure out a way to reward myself and a way to deal with stress. I had bought some ice cream (fancy ben and Jerry’s stuff  that I never buy) and it makes me happy.  As for dealing with stress, I’m open to suggestions.

The thing is I just bought this very nice and expensive horse but I don’t ride as much as I should because I’m hung over and getting over a hang over so I’m tired or cranky.  And when I’m at work it takes me all day to get going because of the drinking the night before.

Also, anyone else notice that alcohol can have a very lonely effect?  I’m not always the most of social of people as it is but I’ve become worse.  And that is not good.

So, now it is time to accept that the alcohol isn’t helping and go find some help.  And the first thing I’m going to do is go look for some AA meetings.