Day 5

Well, I’m at Day 5 of being Alcohol Free and it is just as hard as I thought.  

For the past 2 months I’ve done the up and down of going to Alcoholic Anonymous meeting, getting a sponsor but still not being able to completely commit.  I mean, I go to the meetings but feel like I don’t belong – listening to the woman talk about her repeated DUIs and how her children were taken away from her made me feel like I was at work and not trying to get help with my problems.  My sponsor is a very nice woman but she keeps trying to get me to figure out how God will help me and tell me how wonderful sobriety is.  Which, I know it is, but what I really need right now is to just get through it and feel like me admitting I have an alcoholic problem isn’t the biggest problem in the world but something I can deal with.

I’ve told some people that I started attending AA meetings but then I feel like I have to be more secretive when I do have a drink. No really a helpful solution.  As I just feel more ashamed of what I’ve done.  What I want to feel rewarded for the good decisions, maybe someone can buy me a new pony every day I’m sober?  Or, I dunno, give me days off work for each day I don’t show up with a massive hangover??  

Anyways, tonight I bought Chinese for supper and really wanted a drink as my pub is just across the street and down the block. I didn’t go there and went to buy some new comic books (helpfully it is the opposite way from the pub and by the time it was down browsing my order was ready) but on the way home all I could think of was I could drop my food off, feed the pets and go have a beer.  So, I gave myself permission to go have a beer after I feed pets and ate my food.  If I still wanted a beer then I could go buy one.  By the time I ate dinner the desire for a beer had passed or at least was controllable.  

I’m not sure how this blog is going to develop, at the moment this is just a stream of consciousness but I feel better just having written it.  Some how just writing this down, my feelings, my unhealthy desire for alcohol and issues in general will help.  I guess we’ll find out. 

Off we go to the unknown future . . .

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